Mixed Emotions

This entire weekend I was going to write a post about the run that I did on Friday.  Procrastination got in the way, however.

Mostly I was going to write about how for the first time I did an entire run and didn’t once think to myself, “I fucking hate this, I should just stop right now.”  To be honest, I don’t really love running.  I think that I’m in love with the idea of running.  I understand the benefits of running.  And I really love the idea of pushing myself to do more.  But since I’ve started, I have found that my internal dialogue while running is highly negative.  “Why are you doing this?” I ask myself.  “Just give up…go home and eat a sandwich.”

This Friday, however, I enjoyed the entire run.

I thought of this as a breakthrough.  A real moment of accomplishment.  “This run is certainly one I want to document on the blog,” I thought to myself.

man collapses before finishing boston marathonThen today happened.  Today was the Boston Marathon.  And because of the events that took place last year, I’m finding that it’s getting quite a bit of news coverage.  I’m seeing a lot of photos from the finish line.  And there are many photos of people, seemingly healthy people, that are literally unable to make it to the finish line without help.

tired man after the boston marathon at the finish lineAnd that highly negative inner dialogue starts up again.  “These people probably like to run, and the race is kicking their ass.  You don’t stand a chance, fat boy.”

I have been fairly positive since the start of this training (I’m only three real weeks into it, by the way) and the fear of not finishing or injuring myself was always a distant thought until today.  Today I’m surrounded by images from the finish line in Boston and it’s starting to feel much more real.

I’m hitting the pavement this evening for the beginning of my third week of training.  And I’m going to do my best to combat the negative thinking.  I’ll try to use these photos of people in pain as motivation instead of discouragement.

Tonight when I start beating myself up with negative thoughts, I’ll try to reframe it.  “Yeah…this hurts.  Yeah…it would be easier to stop and go eat a sandwich.  But I’m doing this slightly difficult thing now so I can cross the finish line then.”

There are just 334 days until my marathon.




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4 thoughts on “Mixed Emotions

  1. Meri says:

    I’m just really proud of you. It’s the story of our life, right? Positivity fighting the negativity. Whichever side you put the most energy into will win. No doubt, you’ll fight past this.

  2. Penny says:

    I am so proud of you for doing this, Mike. And when you get that you want to eat a sandwich, keep one foot in front of the other and just run. All those people in the marathon also want to eat a sandwich, but they want to finish more than they want the sandwich. That’s the key.

  3. Aaron says:

    You’re so not fat!

  4. You are very inspiring. Sharing the internal dialogue we all feel when we try to go from not exercising to exercising is so powerful, Mike. Thank you for being a voice I can relate to. I can’t be the only one feeling like my resistance to keep going is relatively normal. <3

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