This entire weekend I was going to write a post about the run that I did on Friday. Procrastination got in the way, however.
Mostly I was going to write about how for the first time I did an entire run and didn’t once think to myself, “I fucking hate this, I should just stop right now.” To be honest, I don’t really love running. I think that I’m in love with the idea of running. I understand the benefits of running. And I really love the idea of pushing myself to do more. But since I’ve started, I have found that my internal dialogue while running is highly negative. “Why are you doing this?” I ask myself. “Just give up…go home and eat a sandwich.”
This Friday, however, I enjoyed the entire run.
I thought of this as a breakthrough. A real moment of accomplishment. “This run is certainly one I want to document on the blog,” I thought to myself.
Then today happened. Today was the Boston Marathon. And because of the events that took place last year, I’m finding that it’s getting quite a bit of news coverage. I’m seeing a lot of photos from the finish line. And there are many photos of people, seemingly healthy people, that are literally unable to make it to the finish line without help.
And that highly negative inner dialogue starts up again. “These people probably like to run, and the race is kicking their ass. You don’t stand a chance, fat boy.”
I have been fairly positive since the start of this training (I’m only three real weeks into it, by the way) and the fear of not finishing or injuring myself was always a distant thought until today. Today I’m surrounded by images from the finish line in Boston and it’s starting to feel much more real.
I’m hitting the pavement this evening for the beginning of my third week of training. And I’m going to do my best to combat the negative thinking. I’ll try to use these photos of people in pain as motivation instead of discouragement.
Tonight when I start beating myself up with negative thoughts, I’ll try to reframe it. “Yeah…this hurts. Yeah…it would be easier to stop and go eat a sandwich. But I’m doing this slightly difficult thing now so I can cross the finish line then.”
There are just 334 days until my marathon.